Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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