Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
