He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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