Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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