last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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