Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
