I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
