you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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