i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
