508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
