Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
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The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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