Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
