well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
