so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
