You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They took my balls.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
