Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
