Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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