I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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