Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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