There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
