something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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