Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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