is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
