one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
