college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
