when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
