Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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