My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
