I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
