hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
