The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
