so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I want to be your penis for a week.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
