Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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