That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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