There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
