yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
