True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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