The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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