I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my being single is dangerous.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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