I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize