smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
the raccoons are back...
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