Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
