I accidentally burped into my bong.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.