why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza