I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you