We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
