I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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