I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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