Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I checked into jail on foursquare
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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