This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
