Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
