There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
