Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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