When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
