physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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