What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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