I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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