2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
