I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
